Brave. The real ME.

Pulling at your skin because it feels like it’s not quite your own. It betrays you by being too stretchy, too dark, too light or too blemished - but never the right amount of tight.

Trying to hide your freckles behind makeup and not wearing certain clothes in case people see your scars, your marks and your moles, spots which paint your picture, which trace your story.

When I am alone I scratch and snarl at myself, I use words I would never use for anyone else, I curse and I cry when I go into a spiral of self hate. I belittle myself for thinking or looking or acting a certain way. I hurt and pity myself all at the same time. Then the next day I can be a symbol of strength, a firey unstoppable woman that inspires others with her “self confidence” or body positivity campaign.

Does any of this sound familiar? For me, I wanted to use my writing as a way for me to help myself and others like me. The I AM ME project was about using my kind and authentic voice. I personally have so many voices that go through my head every minute of every day. I never stop, I go to yoga to try to quieten them but sometimes it simply provides a nice quiet space free of distractions so I can think even more.

(visit - https://www.moderndaywarrior.online/i-am-me to see more)

These voices can be loud, they can be noisy, they can be so disconnected and mean that I lose myself in them.

Have you ever had that feeling when your mind is going in a whirlwind and you can’t stop it? You can’t find a moment to just pause and hush them down? When I get stuck in a negative spiral it’s like my mind wants to bring up everything I’ve ever done wrong since I was 5. My memory isn’t so great, until it wants to remind me of moments I hate.

You remember things that literally do not matter anymore yet the mind acts like at that moment, it’s the only thing that matters.

Or, the voices could be something more relevant, more recent, something which questions your self worth and you are left feeling shaken for the rest of the day. Something you can’t explain to others because it would make no sense yet it makes so much sense to you.

A new chapter begins

A year ago today I left the fitness industry and with it I left and shifted many behaviours, many habits and many expectations - whether they were from myself or from those around me. The need to look a certain way rather than to feel a certain way, the need to push myself to limits even when my body called out for rest and nurturing rather than rushing and punishment. It didn't happen overnight and to be honest, the shift is still happening, and there is nothing easy about it.

My whole life I have hated my freckles, hated my moles, I see girls in the magazines with their flawless skin and beautiful faces. They are blemish free and therefore they are happy, they are perfect

I fear my curves for being too much, yet when I was lean I craved being lighter and smaller. I was empty and couldn’t quite find the fullness I desired.

The shift

A lot of my shift in mindset may have started because of the negative voices I had (or have) but also because of the way I heard some of the most beautiful and inspiring people I know say things about themselves that are so harsh and horrible it physically hurt my heart to hear. I would dedicate time to showing them how incredible they were, I would hold up a hypothetical mirror to them to see their capability, their beauty and strength, yet when it was held up to myself, all I could see was flaws through a shattered glass, only allowing a perception of not good enough to peek through.

By leaving the industry I may have learned to be kind to myself at times, but I haven’t really shown people the full authentic Meg unless they are very close to me. People see the bubbly girl, the one that laughs loudly and smiles widely, but they don’t see the struggle and the days where that smile and laugh, are forced out of habit or fear that people will see imperfections.They don’t see the scratching and the tears, the belittling and the fears.

And that is why I started the movement. Not to pose in my Tommy’s and pretend that my journey is sweet and that I embrace my body and mindset changes. I created the opportunity for those around me to pledge, to own who they are and so I will now use this piece to share my own pledge.

My pledge

My pledge is about being brave and to be more authentic. To show my ups and downs. To show the imperfections which I have learnt to love and hope you can too. But if you can’t love mine, I hope that at least you can at least love yourself and your own perfectly imperfect self.

To finish this piece I will confess - I have not learnt to fix myself: I have not learnt to silence the voices or only hear the positive ones.

But I have simply learnt to accept that some days I am strong and fearless and some days I am full of fear and insecure.

Neither version of myself deserves hate, neither version deserves anything less than kindness and love, as both are necessary and important. And at the end of the day I am a human, I am incredibly unique and whether I realise it or not, I am powerful, wonderful and perfectly imperfect.

And so are you my dear.

Love,

MDW

Go to my pledge page to learn more about the i am ME Movement

https://www.moderndaywarrior.online/i-am-me

xx