Energy & Worth. She comes in ebbs and flows

God it’s exhausting, worrying about what people think of you all the time

It’s exhausting, comparing yourself to other people all the time

It’s fucking exhausting, following the trends your body is meant to adapt to.

And oh my God it’s exhausting comparing yourself to who you were, where you are and where you want to be

This year I promised myself I would stop giving my energy to people and things that did not warrant it. This is not to say I am too worthy to give my energy to others, in fact, my whole life as long as I can remember has been about giving my energy and my light to others.

At times this has cost me relationships, this has cost me productivity and this has cost me my self-worth.

It may sound dramatic but when you reflect, surely there is a time that you can look back and think, “for F^cks sake, if I had said no I would have been so much happier”.

I know I am not alone in this. My ability to not set boundaries has been to the detriment of my energy flow. So many people seem to rely on this energy flow yet they don’t realise that through this, they often drain it. The light, the spark and the energy they all so desire, has been zapped by them as much as others.

You wanted me to be something, I was it

You wanted me to be someone, I was her

You wanted me to give you that, so I give you it all

But here is the thing about energy, we only have so much to give.

If you think of a battery, it needs to be charged. Well, angel-face, humans are no different. We need to be recharged.

Introverts - recharge alone and don’t like to give energy

Extroverts - give their energy and recharge off others

Ambiverts - they give their energy to everyone but must recharge alone. They seem like extroverts but they can simply not charge off anyone but themselves.(this is me BTW)

I appear strong, I appear confident, I appear like I have it all together

But then I disappear

I disappear because I have simply giving more than I am getting.

Do you ever feel like that? What do you do?

I write it out here, but not when I need to,

I wish I could say I read but lately, I am too tired to do so. So I put it on my never-ending to-do list

I cut ties with people that don’t align with me. Again, I try but this is on my to-do list

I do things for myself, learn to surf, learn to dance and learn to write like I used to

I tried to do Face Yoga but realised I didn’t have the patience

I got back into boxing and learnt I am still trying to manage a schedule

I cut fake hangouts but realised I am still tight on time

I wish that this blog piece could show you the way... But I think I was meant to write it to say, no matter how much someone smiles, they don’t always have their shit together.

I love the majority of aspects of my life, and I will dwell over and try to fix areas that I don’t love.

But I am in no rush, because the one thing I do love about my life, is that I know I am not perfect, I am merely human and I am merely learning, And that is what makes for a beautiful life.

Love,

MDW