The Whirlwind of Anxiety & Neurodiversity

It is crazy to think that I started a blog almost six years ago as a way of expressing my thoughts and my emotions to not only bring myself relief from anxiety and from the pressing hold it can have over you. I also started to write to show other people like me that anxiety is not necessarily a bad thing; it can be a weapon, it can be a strength and something that drives you forward instead of holding you back.

Don’t get me wrong, it can be crippling, it can stop you from being able to converse or engage with people in a way that you are usually so comfortable with. It can hold you back from excelling at what you know so well because you doubt yourself in ways that most “normal” people would never even second doubt. It can make the day to day including driving familiar routes overwhelming when you know that you have the power to excel more than most.

Anxiety can make you immaculate at times, but make you a mess at others.

What is this piece about?

I don’t know. I guess it is an expression of where I am at. I have shifted, grown as a person, and outgrown certain anxious feelings. However, I have also succumbed to new ones that make my body freeze at the same time as my mind.

My life has shifted so much since the last time I posted. But I will still hold on to part of the piece I last posted, and this is it:

• I notice the pace of the clouds as they travel across the sky.

• I notice the pain in someone’s life when their tone of voice is too high.

• I notice when someone is aggravated or anxious from their flittering concentration or occasional longer gasps for air.

• I notice that autumn skies are purple, and summers are pink like candy at a fair.

• I acknowledge the privilege to travel on a giant metal bird, to wave to the clouds below and to let this ground me.

• I acknowledge my flaws, I acknowledge my insecurities, I accept those because I acknowledge my depth.

• I walk forward knowing the people I wanted to be close to may not acknowledge that depth.

Anxious or neurodivergent people can often feel misunderstood, or they can feel like they must overcompensate when they are around people and achieve or impress more than they should.

The only way to get through the emotions is to face them and to feel them with force, even if it kicks you hard before you feel lighter.

Our mind races, replays, worries and overplans. We think about things that haven’t happened yet - and might never happen - just to feel “prepared.”

We feel tense without knowing why, and when someone tells you to “just relax,” you want to show them what goes through your headspace to prepare to simply relax.

Our nervous system is constantly firing, our thoughts won’t slow down, and sometimes we are desperate for any sense of calm.

Some things I am trying to learn:

Calm isn’t always quiet - it’s often just a shift

Sometimes calm is just a moment of stillness in the middle of chaos. It's choosing not to reply to that text immediately. It's closing the laptop and stepping outside for two minutes. It's a deep breath - one that you actually feel in your chest.

Fix It?

My anxious brain wants to do this. To fix. To prepare. But sometimes the kindest thing I can do for myself is say: “This doesn’t need an answer right now.”  I have to postpone my spiral, put it on pause, then breathe and hope it fades into something I can make a plan for or accept that I don’t need to own.

Look for the small joys — the very small ones.

My brain is wired to look for things that may go wrong, so I practice looking for unexpected moments that bring joy. Tiny, gentle reminders that the world can get overwhelming, but there are a lot of beautiful moments we can take joy in.

Calm isn’t a destination; it is a whirlwind journey.

We don’t “arrive” at calm and stay there forever. But we can keep returning to it. Learn what soothes you - and what doesn’t. It’s hard to keep choosing yourself in small, quiet ways. But it needs to be done.

And on the days when it feels impossible, remind yourself of this:

You are allowed to rest. You are allowed to pause. You are allowed to not have it all figured out.

That’s anxiety. We live with it. But we control it, it will not control us.